A New Development

"We are here to add what we can to life, not to get what we can from life."~ William Osler

For the past few months I have been in a state of denial. I have since moved back to London from Amsterdam and found myself still unemployed. Then overnight I was asked to manage two shorts for the UK Film Council and while shooting said shorts I was asked to manage a feature. While that was going on I also assisted the locations department on another feature. The phrase "when it rains it pours" rings true. Now that the feature is over, well the shooting of it, I find myself bored and unemployed again. For about 3 months I didn't have a single day off and barely any sleep and all I could think about was having some time to myself. Well here I am...sitting in bed with nothing to do and no where to go...I hope I get another film soon.

I've been thinking about mortality a lot lately. I fear that the time may be coming closer for my grandmother to depart from this world. The weird thing is that as much at it pains me to think about it, I'm not afraid of her going. I think I've already accepted her going. What bothers me about it is that when she does go, I won't be able to see her off as I'm still stuck in this moneyless life that is London.

It is without question that when you think about those you care about dying, you start thinking about your own life...and your own death. If I died today, would it matter?

I guess it wouldn't. Of course people would be sad and miss you, but their lives would continue, after all if my grandmother died today I would still have to get up tomorrow and look for a job.

I'm 24 years old and I feel that I have accomplished a lot in my life......and I have spent a good deal of my time on this planet wasting time...sitting on my ass waiting for things to happen. How does anything get done? I have no clue....but what I do know, well what I know now, is that whatever it is you do you have to make it worth it. I don't mean to get all preachy here, I guess I'm just finally starting to realise that I have yet to fulfill what I came here for. To London specifically.....

I originally came here to start my career in the film world. That was back in 2006. I have since left and returned and left and returned...I tend to do that a lot if you've noticed my earlier posts. But why did I come here last December? To make a film, specifically to make MY film. That notion was destroyed the moment I landed. The people who "brought" me here left me stranded...and how did they do that? Because I let them.

I have worked on 4 films since I returned, but none of them were mine. My purpose hasn't been fulfilled and therefore I am stuck in Limbo. I have to make a movie, I HAVE TO MAKE MY MOVIE.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy working on films with a nice paycheck where I get to exercise my sills. But that's all those films are really isn't it? An exercise....now it's time to show what I'm really made off....